How to Bathe A Horse in 36 Steps

1. Ready supplies: shampoo, conditioner, sponge, scrub brush, bucket, squeegee, lead rope.

2. Change mind and swap lead rope for one with a chain–horse may try to escape.

3. Unwind hose from rack. Once it lies fallen before you, untangle it. Attach spray nozzle to end of hose.

4. Drag hose many feet through barn to grass outside, where supplies are waiting.

5. Attempt to fill bucket with water. Realize water is not turned on.

6. Go back in barn and turn on water.

7. Fill bucket with water. Add shampoo. Is it enough? Add more shampoo.

8. Grab lead rope with chain and go back in barn to fetch horse.

100_01029. Horse wanders around arena looking at you sideways.

10. Try to catch horse.

11. Avoid horse’s bared teeth and threatening hoofs. Ears are pinned back.

12. Move carefully in a wide circle around horse to horse’s head. Slide chain through halter and attach.

13. Lead horse out of arena to grass where hose lies waiting. Horse rushes over to grass. It might leave before she gets there.

14. Pick up hose. Horse becomes statue.

15. Attempt to spray horse’s feet. Hose becomes venomous snake. Horse tries to flee.

16. Prevent horse from fleeing. Continue spraying feet.

17. Enlist a horse-holder.

18. Chase horse in a circle, spraying her ever higher while horse-holder tries to hold her still. Pause tountangle hose from you, horse’s legs, horse-holder, and itself.

19. Repeat process on horse’s other side.

20. Put hose down by barn. Horse pretends it no longer exists and resumes grazing.

21. Bring bucket of soapy water to horse. Use sponge to cover horse in soap. She now remembers that cool water feels good on a hot day.

22. Scrub horse with scrub brush. Do not miss an inch. This might be your last chance for a long time. Make that white sock actually white.

23. Put horse’s tail in bucket of soapy water and scrub. Horse attempts to swat flies. You and horse-holder are now covered in soap.

24. Move bucket of soapy water far from horse. Bring hose back.

25. Chase horse in a circle while spraying her. Remove all the soap.

26. Spray her other side. Notice there isstill soap on the previously rinsed side. Spray both sides again.

27. Put hose down and grab conditioner. Slather mane and tail. Horse ignores you.

28. Thank horse-holder fervently as she gives horse back to you.

29. Collect all supplies and dump and rinse bucket and sponge while holding horse. Horse does not appreciate the bucket rinsing.

30. Scrape water from horse with squeegee. Repeat as necessary.

31. Kill horsefly.

32. Wipe horse’s face with damp sponge. Horse is offended and tries to flee.

33. Escape flies and go into barn. Comb horse’s mane and tail, put away supplies.

34. Wait for horse to dry. Wait some more.

35. Put horse back in stall. Offer many treats and ask for forgiveness.IMG_0376

36. Drive home. Realize hose is still lying on grass. Groan and vow to thank stablehand profusely for having to deal with it.

*The above events may or may not be hyperbole…But I err on the side of reality.

Anything Else Should We Know?

This whole college application thing had been hard enough—the high school transcripts easy, but the letters of recommendation? Well, there were very few teachers willing to endorse her future in higher education. The essay had been tortuous. What could she say about her unremarkable life? Besides the fact that people were always dragging her to one shrink or another. Then they threw this last question at her, and she was about ready to give up on the whole college endeavor. Anything else we should know?

pixieThe cursor blinked on the computer screen. Down the hall, tiny, shrill screams mixed with the roar of the vacuum cleaner. She winced. Her mother was gong after the dust bunnies again. The pixie trapped in her mirror sparked wildly for a minute, then collapsed into a fit of giggles when she turned to glare.

She was going to college, if only to leave her mirror and bookshelf behind. As if it had read her mind, the bookshelf creaked. It wasn’t her fault it hated her. After she’d realized that, with the spectacular collapse of all the shelves at once, she’d tried to sell it at their annual yard sale, but her mother made her keep it. Then the thing hated her even more for trying to get rid of it in such an undignified manner. The bookshelf was a snob.

The cursor blinked a little faster. She sighed. What else should they know?

How about the elaborate furniture rearrangement she’d carried out a few years ago so that the dining room chairs and kitchen chairs would stop screaming at each other and she could eat in peace?

Or the time she’d spent coaxing and threatening an infestation of tiny purple goblins out of her mother’s mattress?

Or the fact that her teakettle sang to her every morning (it liked Taylor Swift) and the weird yellow-eyed thing that lived under her bathroom sink had a crush on the fuzzy green thing that lived under her mother’s sink?

Or maybe that she knew the spiders in the attic loved fruit flies and hated ants. Too bitter, apparently.

Or—well, that time she’d accidentally screamed and broken a microscope in biology class because an eye looked back at her from the other end?

Or the salty vocabulary she’d acquired from her mother’s car, whose former owner had been a Marine? Killed in action, the car had informed her mournfully.

She put her fingers back on the keyboard.

Anything else we should know?

I can’t wait to go to college.