1. Ready supplies: shampoo, conditioner, sponge, scrub brush, bucket, squeegee, lead rope.
2. Change mind and swap lead rope for one with a chain–horse may try to escape.
3. Unwind hose from rack. Once it lies fallen before you, untangle it. Attach spray nozzle to end of hose.
4. Drag hose many feet through barn to grass outside, where supplies are waiting.
5. Attempt to fill bucket with water. Realize water is not turned on.
6. Go back in barn and turn on water.
7. Fill bucket with water. Add shampoo. Is it enough? Add more shampoo.
8. Grab lead rope with chain and go back in barn to fetch horse.
10. Try to catch horse.
11. Avoid horse’s bared teeth and threatening hoofs. Ears are pinned back.
12. Move carefully in a wide circle around horse to horse’s head. Slide chain through halter and attach.
13. Lead horse out of arena to grass where hose lies waiting. Horse rushes over to grass. It might leave before she gets there.
14. Pick up hose. Horse becomes statue.
15. Attempt to spray horse’s feet. Hose becomes venomous snake. Horse tries to flee.
16. Prevent horse from fleeing. Continue spraying feet.
17. Enlist a horse-holder.
18. Chase horse in a circle, spraying her ever higher while horse-holder tries to hold her still. Pause tountangle hose from you, horse’s legs, horse-holder, and itself.
19. Repeat process on horse’s other side.
20. Put hose down by barn. Horse pretends it no longer exists and resumes grazing.
21. Bring bucket of soapy water to horse. Use sponge to cover horse in soap. She now remembers that cool water feels good on a hot day.
22. Scrub horse with scrub brush. Do not miss an inch. This might be your last chance for a long time. Make that white sock actually white.
23. Put horse’s tail in bucket of soapy water and scrub. Horse attempts to swat flies. You and horse-holder are now covered in soap.
24. Move bucket of soapy water far from horse. Bring hose back.
25. Chase horse in a circle while spraying her. Remove all the soap.
26. Spray her other side. Notice there isstill soap on the previously rinsed side. Spray both sides again.
27. Put hose down and grab conditioner. Slather mane and tail. Horse ignores you.
28. Thank horse-holder fervently as she gives horse back to you.
29. Collect all supplies and dump and rinse bucket and sponge while holding horse. Horse does not appreciate the bucket rinsing.
30. Scrape water from horse with squeegee. Repeat as necessary.
31. Kill horsefly.
32. Wipe horse’s face with damp sponge. Horse is offended and tries to flee.
33. Escape flies and go into barn. Comb horse’s mane and tail, put away supplies.
34. Wait for horse to dry. Wait some more.
36. Drive home. Realize hose is still lying on grass. Groan and vow to thank stablehand profusely for having to deal with it.
*The above events may or may not be hyperbole…But I err on the side of reality.